A few days ago this week, I had the strangest urge to go to the Sundial bridge. The Sundial bridge in Redding, a few minutes away from my home.
I had no reason to go, except this random gut feeling. So I went…and as I was there, something told me to go into the gardens they have there, having never gone there before. But I didn’t end up going, and so I went home and I was bummed that nothing significant had happened.
Over the past few days I have been exceptionally depressed about my husband, and the thought of him. Lately God has told me to give up Shipping and forget about cute romance drawings and things of that nature; because I am convinced he wants me to live in reality instead of fantasy. :’) Which, praise the Lord for that! but at the same time, I have been struggling and have felt very lonely and doubtful. I have cried for the past several days, struggling with, “Should I even think about romance? Is this selfish? I should be focused more on God instead of my husband who will not even come close to loving me as much as Christ can..” But I have been so harsh and legalistic towards myself…So I was constantly in a battle…
Today, I woke up this morning, and I took a shower. And lately, God has been speaking to me through the imagery of Water. I took a shower and was doing my shower prayers XD and I got out…I usually listen to air1 on my iphone while getting dressed but this morning I had forgotten it in my room, and something tells me “Go get your phone. And Just watch-the song that will be playing is the new song “Hold me Now” by RED.” And so I’m thinking, “Yeah RIGHHHHTTT.”
But sure enough, and praise Jesus, The song was indeed HOLD ME NOW!!! ;_; and right when I listened to it, the verse said, “I’ll return to the place where the water covers over everything.” AND as if that coincidence wasn’t enough, The verse of the day on my air1 app said,
“But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” -John 4:14
;_; Already the day started off amazingly.
And for some reason, I looked at my shirt I had picked out for the day, and I read the bible verse on it, something I almost never do. The shirt says, “Jesus heals broken hearts.” The bible verse is psalms 147:3, “He heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds.”
I read it, memorized it, and got ready for school. As school started, Jill, the pastor’s wife, announced to us we were going to do something different today.
she was going to read PSALMS 147-148 and we were going to the SUNDIAL BRIDGE to the GARDENS to sit with the Lord and learn how God can speak to us even through Nature.
Already my mind was BLOWN. Little coincidences after another after another kept adding up as a smile made its way across my face. ♥
We get to the bridge and into the gardens, an area I had never gone into before, and I really felt the Lord was guiding my steps to sit in a certain spot. I walked past many mini fountains too that were beautiful, but then I saw it. A Huge fountain sculpture with lovely ponds and running water around it.
And there was a fountain there in the middle, that reminded me of what happened earlier this morning and how God used a christian song to realize that without his living water in my life, I am not living the life He intends for me! It was just such an awesome time with God.
God wanted me to go to the big fountain instead of the little fountains because he wants to pour out much blessing in my life. ♥ Thank you, Lord!
As if this wasn’t enough, He lead me to go out walking further, and as I walked, I saw a lovely couple-a pregnant woman and her man, caressing her bulging baby bump, and kissing her softly on the bench in the sunlight in the midst of beautful flowers. ;_;
I felt such pain come into my heart and I began to cry. “Lord, is this wrong for me to want that?! I know that I want to have you first in my life..and I know I should be content with how I am now…but I just keep wanting and wanting as if you’re not good enough…”
As I walked and cried, I entered a type of construction-ish area full of barren trees and stagnant pools of water.
It feels like, symbolically, this is where I am at in life. I am in a season of growth and things look dim for now, but God will lead me into greener gardens one day. ♥
As I cried from seeing the couple, I questioned God, “Why did you show this to me?!” and I felt like God said, “Because it is in your future.”
I weeped even more, and I walked further down this dusty path alone and by the barren trees and stagnant pools. I then said to myself, “I guess I think it’s selfish to want a husband and a romantic life…But God I don’t think that that’s true.” And right then, two mallard ducks-a female and a male, swam out in front of me in a pool to my right.
It was significant because They were together-a male and a female. And I heard the Lord say, “You desire something so natural-I created all the animals and birds in the earth to have a partner.” And I wept even harder…because God was blowing my mind! ;A; <3
I felt a bit childish, but I asked God for one more sign that this all was from him. Months ago, when I moved up here to Redding in September, I had a dream of a baby deer walking up to me, and I heard a voice say, “this is God’s way of showing you he cares about you.” Later on that same day, I had been on a walk and I remembered the dream, and just then a deer ran across my path. ♥ So me and deers have this symbolic meaning attributed to God’s caring stare and hand in my life.
I walked up a hill and thought about the symbol of a deer, and just as I took a step, I uttered the words, “NO WAY.” And to my amazement, there was a deer print. In the mud. under my foot.
;_; Jesus….My Jesus. He is my comforter, my guidance and my hope. He gives me peace that things are going to be alright..and that he cares about the little things. ♥
From hearing my favorite song, He showed me a biblical truth he wants me to learn. God used even my SHIRT to match with the scripture reading in CLASS today, and He lead me to a fountain to further that truth about him being living water. Then he showed me the couple, which then led to the two ducks, and then finally, the deer print in the mud. ;_;
Our God is a good God and he constantly speaks to us through many mediums. Through songs, through shirts, through his word, through other people, and through nature. ♥ I encourage you today to be intentional about seeking God and noticing that EVERYTHING can be a symbol to his great love, even in a barren stagnant land and even in dry seasons and times of trial and testing. Our God is good and forever faithful Amen Amen!!!
God did above and beyond what I could have expected. He had healed some head-trips I had against schoolmates and really let me know that “It’s okay to be broken. Embrace Your brokenness-cause I love even those parts of you too.” ♥
We are now entering into an 8 week program learning about inner healing and how to receive God’s healing and how to minister that healing to others as well. ♥ Ohh, Husband-I wish/hope you were in a school like I am in! That way we both know this stuff together! ♥♥♥
When I went to the retreat, We did safe place prayer (asking the holy spirit to sanctify our imaginations and lead us in visions) and as we did, we were doing lectio divina-which is reading a passage of scripture and asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to us a certain part that he wants us to learn about.
So I am crying, because already God takes me to a beautiful scene of flowers, lilacs, daisies, trees, creeks, rivers, etc. I am seeing all of this so vividly flashing before my eyes and I am just…recalling that it looks just like the flowers my Great Aunt had in her back yard when I was a child. The passage was being read over us from Romans 8, how nothing can separate us from the Love of Christ.
So the translation that the teacher read over us was different than mine in my bible, and the Holy Spirit highlighted the phrase, “Just Look at it!” And as I listened to God, he told me, “Just Look at it…these flowers, these gardens. That’s how Beautiful you are.”
The amount of healing that gave me is astounding. I feel so filthy with my sin…so guilty..so Shameful…All those feelings are just lies. Jesus healed me in one moment…
I am beautiful. And I know it in the depths of my soul. Something clicked in my brain…♥ Jesus, you are amazing….♥
Another time, God gave me another vision of me in a princess dress…wearing jewels and a crown upon my head. I was a 4 year old, and me and Jesus ran around a playground and swung on the swings…we rode on bikes and scooters, played jump rope…blew some bubbles…♥ And at that time, the teacher laid her hand on me and said, “God is giving me a vision of you as a princess with a crown on your head right now.”
;;____;; what was in my mind, was also in the mind of my teacher…♥ Because God was validating what I was seeing…♥
I am his Princess. I am Beautiful. ♥ Knowing those two things alone has brought me so much inner strength and healing. Even in my brokenness-Jesus you find me as yours, and you even smile when you look at me. ♥
Girls-You are daddy’s princess. You are BEAUTIFUL and worthy!!!! ♥
Boys-You are daddy’s little man-a prince!! You are in His image and you are stronger than you know!!! ♥
…God, continue doing this inner work in me! Jesus, my Jesus…♥
I drew this when I was 9 years old. :) Maybe my dreams have slightly changed…but maybe God has something to use when he gave me my drawing talents. :’) I found this and I almost cried I think. ;v;
Dear Future Husband,
Do you know what Gaki No tsukai Is? If not..I really hope you begin to watch it. That way, when I geek out about it with you in the future-You’ll have some understanding ahead of time. PFFFFF~ japanese game shows man. I personally love their “absolutely tasty” series, as well as their kiki series stuff. But man-For me-It’s ALLLLLL ABOUT THEIR BATSU GAMES >DDDD muhahahahhaha~!!!!
Hamada, Endou, Matsumoto, Tanaka, and Yamasaki ♥
I mean, what’s not to love about Japanese men doing extreme 24 hour challenges where they’re not allowed to laugh?!?!
I mean…I think they’re hilarious. XD
Matsumoto and Hamada have a special type of love-hate relationship XD
And of course, Tanaka-My FAVORITE♥. He’s a scaredy cat. and I LOVE HIM for it. ♥Endou and Yamasaki are great too ;v; but Yama-chan is really cute and funny and innocent. He has a baby face most times XD YAMA CHAN!!!! Yama chan and Endou: XDDDDDAnd man I just love all of these guys to death! X3 Nothing would make me happier than watching a whole bunch of Gaki no tsukai with you :) ♥ I mean-of course-we would do a whole bunch of awesome things for the Lord-but is it wrong that I love Japanese comedy shows? ;v; <3 I hope you and I have the same interests…..;v; that would be awesome. ♥
So yeah. Gaki No Tsukai. I love it. You should watch it if you want a crazy-almost sadistic type of humor XDDDD lol
-Your Future Wife 11/15/12
Dear Future Husband,
It’s like they say, “doesn’t matter what you’re doing but it matters about who you’re with.” Personally, I hate grocery shopping. For 3 months now I have had the grueling task of going and shopping for my own food. It SUCKS becoming an adult, huh? XD haha! I always feel so awkward because I see myself as a child still….Not a big adult with a debit card and a car and a house and a job!!! ;_; </3 It’s kinda scary…I get intimidated when I walk in the grocery store because I look so young….”who’s that 14 year old buying groceries?! where’s her MOTHER!?!” is what I expect people to say…unless I’m finally fitting into my 19 year old husk of a body. XDDDD
Every time I go shopping all alone by myself, I sing songs, mark things off of my SHOPPINGU RISUTO (yes. that’s how I write it. It’s not shopping list, it has to be shoppingu risuto) and imagine you with me. Whenever I shopped with my family, I would always make it a game, and pretend we were ninjas at the store-and make fun of some silly merchandise and make my mom almost pee herself in walmart. ahhh~ Good times.
point is, I’m pretty weird when I go shopping. Why not share my weirdness with you?! can’t believe I can think of a million things to think of about freaking grocery shopping. XD oh well~!
So what say you?! Shall we one day go grocery shopping together? Cracking jokes, walking down the aisles, being ninjas and making silly faces at customers-or we can be normal too……maybe. XD
We would make anything we do fun :) I honestly kinda hate shopping alone…OTL Shopping is more fun when you’re with someone! and I’ve never had a guy friend or a father around to shop with all fun like…so let’s go out and do fun things! ^_^ ?
-Your Future Wife 10/15/12
P.S-Background picture is taken at the grocery store I actually shop at. wouldn’t it be funny if we met there one fateful day? XDDD AWW YEAH MEETING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MY PROMISED ONE AT WINCO YEEAAAHHHHHH
Dear Future Husband,
Looks don’t really matter too much to me…but I cannot help but wonder what you look like! adsjkghalsdkjladjsghaldskjg ;v; I’m sorry haha XD
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul…I wonder..when I meet you I would probably be too shy to look you in the eye >///<~Kyun~ ♥
I get the feeling you have dark eyes…brown or almond color. but whatever color you have works for me just fine! :) My whole family has dark brown eyes-and I got the magical Hazel-green eyes >D haha~! :) We’ll make an awesome couple one day! Beautiful bride and a Handsome Groom~! ;)
-Your Future Wife 10/7/12
Dear Future Husband,
I’m not the skinniest woman alive, and I am sure I am not what you are imagining your beautiful bride to be like, but I know one thing for sure is that God made me for you and for his kingdom. I struggle with self esteem and confidence issues ever since I was a young child. Lots of name calling in school, and even teasing by teachers and family members really wears down your confidence! :( However, within the last year I have made it my mission to overcome my false humility and my bad self image. I am beautiful. I am creative. I am gifted. I was not born an accident. I have a purpose. I am a child of the most high God. I am a princess. I am YOUR wife.♥♥♥♥
So what If I don’t have straight hair or a skinny figure and my feet are a little too big and I get blemishes every once in a while? I am God’s child and that is all that truly matters. “…The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”-1 Samuel 16:7
I don’t have to worry about making myself attractive to you. The Christ in me will be attractive to you. I won’t have to worry about keeping you, for I do not own you-The Father owns you. But Jesus is inside of both of us, and the Christ in me will hold the Christ in you, and vice versa. :’)
-Your Future Wife 10/7/12
P.S- for this picture, I took a photo of myself for reference and traced over my curves exactly. Even though this drawing is cartoonish, It has all the curves in the right place ;)
I don’t normally draw serious things, but Blaine and Leah are two out of my very few serious oc’s. They have a full on story in my head that I feel deeply in my heart. This is one of those moments.
God has given us each a purpose and a life to do what it is he has called us to. We are all beautiful we all have meaning and we all are his child. Every child is a gift from God. We are not born on accident, and we are not useless. We are people of the Lord. We have a calling and a purpose-a soul, a life, a heart, a mind.
I know I have struggled with this area in my life feeling like I do not matter and feeling useless. My family wasn’t the best and I constantly compared myself to others like Blaine did. But the truth is, people who look like they have all their stuff put together more than likely have some issue-because we are all imperfect-we all have struggles.
I am reminded of a girl who I see almost every day. She has many many scars on herself from her past..but she is sooo beautiful and shines with God’s grace and love in her heart. She has healed from her depression because she met the Lord and has overcome the lies people had fed her. Her scars are still visible, but she is a living walking example of how god can heal even the most BROKEN person. I think of how much of a warrior in christ she is, and how strong she is because of what god has done for her. Those scars, are battle scars where Jesus and the Devil were fighting for her precious precious life.
My sister harms herself, and I wish she didn’t. It’s a problem in today’s world that people don’t know who they are or WHOSE they are…they don’t know true love on a level where they can feel like they belong. It hurts my heart that we all believe these lies yet we are so quick to push away someone who tells us genuinely, “hey, I love you. I care for you. You have purpose. You are called. Your life is a gift. You BELONG.”
I pray that even though these are fake characters, that it would encourage you or someone you know who struggles, to know that you are loved-your life has meaning. You were NOT an accident no matter what people have told you and you are beautiful and the way God made you.
God Bless. ♥
Japanese Worship DOES something in me. My heart just brightens when I see new videos in my subscription box of this stuff. ♥ God is just SO good. ;_; I love that he is working over there..maybe in small amounts now, but hopefully this is the beginning of revival in Japan! ♥
song is “私のヒーロー” or “My Hero.”
I love the chorus ;v; ♥ From what I understand of it it says “oh oh oh My Hero!! oh oh oh the world’s number one! oh oh oh you are the only true God! oh oh oh you are my best friend!”